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How to Read between the Lines

One of the most important skills for a student to learn is reading between the lines:

Parents:

"Have you made any nice friends yet?"
Have you been to bed with anybody?

"Your father and I are missing you terribly."
The peace and quiet is absulute bliss.

"We've made some changes since you left home."
We've rented your room out.

"Your sister sends you her love."
She's sold your entire record collection.

Freshers:

"This is my favourite shirt, I got it from a sheep farmer in Guatemala."
I've had a year off.

"I drank three southern comforts, two pints of cider, threw up over this bloke and then got off with him."
It's my first time away from home.

"What course are you doing?", "What A-Levels did you get?"
Please speak to me.

"I joined the rowing, parachuting and chess clubs, the Heavy Metal society and the Liberal democrats."
Nobody liked me at school.

"I only came here for the course."
You should feel privileged to know me because I could have gone to Oxford.

Students:

"All the books I needed were out on loan."
I didn't start to look for them until yesterday.

"I had three essays to do for this week."
I've given the same excuse to two other departments.

"I found the title somewhat ambiguous."
I completely ignored it and wrote about something else.

"I tried to give my own opinions."
I haven't read a single book on the subject.

Academics:

"Unfocussed."
I couldn't read the handwriting.

"You have manipulated your material to a frightening degree."
This student is brighter than I am.

"A bit thin."
I couldn't be bothered to give it more than a passing glance.

"Bricks without straw."
You haven't read more than a single book on the subject.