The Scots pray on their knees on Sunday and on their neighbours the rest
of the week.
The Welsh keep the sabbath and anything else they can get their hands on.
The Irish don't know what they believe in but will fight to the death
for it.
The English claim to be self made men which relieves the Almighty of a
horrid responsibility.
One Italian is a Latin lover.
Two Italians generate confusion.
Three Italians form four political parties.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
In theory, theory and practice are the same.
In practice, they're not.
The sum intelligence in the world is a constant.
The population is growing.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Usenet is the delusion that all subjects can be classified
in a neat hierarchy.
Common sense and conscience are like a muscle. If you don't use a
muscle it gets weaker and weaker.
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand, we would
still be so stupid that we couldn't understand it.
"As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression
that isn't.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes
more.
Romance is like a game of chess - one false move and you're mated.
If you have tried your hand at something and failed, the next best thing
is to try your head.
As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point
your way.
A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a
ride at the same time.
A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading
one.
They tell us courtesy is contagious. So why not start an epidemic.
Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement!
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
Children disgrace us in public by behaving just like we do at home.
Often the same thing that makes one person bitter makes another better.
Love looks through a telescope; envy looks through a microscope.
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets
you forget it.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
A modern murderer is supposed to be innocent until he/she is proven
insane.
Science has found that insanity is hereditary...parents get it from
their children.
Lecturing has been described as the passing of information from the
lecturer's notes to the students' notes without passing through the brain of
either.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to
do so.
Mathematicians are a species of Frenchman: if you say something to
them, they translate it into their own language and presto! it is
something completely different.
Scientists animated by the purpose of proving that they are
purposeless are an interesting object of study.
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have
to eat them.
Don't be a carbon copy of something. Make your own impressions.
To really know a man, observe his behaviour with a woman, a flat tyre,
and a child.
No matter what you do, someone always knew you would.
Have you noticed that an optimist is always able to see the bright side
of other people's troubles?
Just why do men lie about each other when the plain truth would be bad
enough?
Ideas are like children: no matter how much you like other people's, you
can't help thinking your own are the best.
Intimacy has been defined as 'what you can scratch, in front of whom,
and whose it is'.
Human history is a drama in which the stories stay the same, the scripts
of those stories change slowly with evolving cultures, and the stage
settings change all the time.
Why is it, that in the UK you POST letters via Royal MAIL
while, in the US you MAIL letters via the US POSTal service?
Murphy's Laws for Engineers (also applicable to Physicists, we think!):
The more innocuous a design change appears, the further will its influence
extend.
Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will do
most damage to the calculation.
A transister protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
All constants are variables.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Programming is like sex; one mistake and you support it for a lifetime
It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
A jury is a group of twelve men and women of average ignorance.
A psychologist says kissing is where two people get so close together they
can't see anything wrong with each other.
Foreign dictators are difficult to understand. You can never tell whether
they are smart men bluffing, or imbeciles who meant it.
Summer has set in with its usual severity.
Judge each day, not by the harvest, but by the seeds you plant.
The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
If you have an unpleasant neighbour, the odds are that he does too.
Hospitality meets its greatest test when a new idea drops by uninvited.
Many a man's expenditure of speech exceeds his income of ideas.
Envy provides the mud that failure throws at success.
It's a well known fact that the older a man gets, the faster he could
run as a boy.
A man who goes out to meet trouble will have a short walk.
Nothing depreciates a car faster than a neighbour buying a new one.
The road to failure is greased with the slime of indifference.
If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep increasing
the price of postage?
Modesty is the art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware
of it.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the
other.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near
miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
For every minute you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
'Anger' is just one letter short of danger.
An angry man is seldom reasonable; a reasonable man is seldom angry.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever
regret.
Psychiatrists say that one of four people is mentally ill. Check three
friends. If they're okay, you're it.
The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the
moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in castles in the air.
And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.
It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is
contained in Heaven and Earth to keep her that way.
Pessimists are the world's happiest people. Ninety percent of the
time they are right, and the other ten percent they are pleasantly
surprised.
Is it bad luck for a black cat to walk behind you? That depends on
whether you are a man or a mouse.
A nurse is a girl who holds your hand and expects your temperature
to go down.
I think every girl should hold on to her youth, except when he's
driving.
If the doctor cures, the sun sees it; but if he kills, the earth
hides it.
Charity begins at home and generally dies from lack of out-of-door
exercise; sympathy travels abroad extensively.
A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.
Enthusiasm breakfasts on obstacles, lunches on objections, and dines on
competition.
Life not only begins at forty - it begins to show.
The best way to get rid of a hothead is to give him the cold shoulder.
The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but
that he cannot believe anyone else.
Many a man creates his own lack of opportunity.
If you don't enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?
Compromise is always wrong when it means sacrificing a principle.
A successful politician is one who can stay in the public eye without
irritating it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
The further an experiment is from theory, the closer it is to
the Nobel prize.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission
Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
Liberty is fragile. If it is lost for one it is lost for all.
It's amazing how many people use "you only live once" as an
excuse to throw their life away.
When the thought police come knocking, think, "I'm not in!"
Look on the world as a big fruit cake. It wouldn't be complete without
a few nuts in it.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
Truth is as clear as a bell, but it isn't always tolled.
The grass may be greener next door but it is just as hard to cut.
In examinations, the foolish set questions which the wise cannot answer.
For sale: Klein bottle. Enquire within.
God created man and learned from her mistake.
What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
What's a synonym for Thesaurus?
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's shorter than a weekend? A vacation!
What's the speed of dark?
When all else fails, call Bill Gates at home.
When all else fails, read the manual.
When all is said and done, more is said than done.
When an old person dies, a library burns down.
When I want your advice, I'll give it to you!
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
When liberals grow up they want to be conservatives.
When money speaks, truth keeps silent.
When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns.
When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When vultures fly they're allowed carrion luggage.
When you see a snake, never mind where it came from.
When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure you're dead.
When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
When your IQ hits 28, sell!
Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes.
Where can I find a synonym for thesaurus?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
Where is everything? All I typed was format c:.
Where law ends, tyranny begins.
Where there's a will there's a beneficiary.
Where there's a will there's an attorney.
Where there's a will there's a wail.
Where there's a will there's a won't.
Where there's smoke, there's toast.
Where you've been means much less than where you're going.
Wherever you came from, you're not there now.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
(I don't know, and I don't care!)
Which one is the fatherboard?
Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there?
Who should I call to exorcise software?
Who wrote the rules on how to act your age?
Why bother phoning a psychic? Let them phone you!
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Let not the pot call the kettle an aardvark.
I don't mean to be catty, but "miaow".
What does occasional furniture do the rest of the time?
Do the people in Tipperary realise they're a long way away?
Why do clairvoyants have front door bells?
Imitation is the sincerest form of blandish meat.
The dog ate my car keys. I'll have to hitch-hike to the vet.
My stigmata is playing up on me.
I've used up all my sick days - so I'm calling in dead.
Dolphins find people amusing, but they don't want to talk to them
Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble
a nail.
The cost of living had not affected its popularity.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. - Mae West
You know it's going to be a bad day when ...
your pet rock snaps at you.
your twin forgets your birthday.
your answering machine tells you it's none of your business.
you try start your car and are ejected through the roof of your
garage.
you get struck by lightening on a sunny day.
Deja moo: the strange feeling that you've milked this cow before.
Idling is most fun when there is plenty of work to do.
Politics consists of two sides and a fence.
If money is the root of all evil, why has no student been canonised?
eschew obfuscation
Entry in Weekly Schedule, New Zealand Symphony Orchestra:
Another Month Ends
All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly
