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Guide to essay writing

The English Language

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Oxymorons

1. Found missing
2. Resident alien
3. Airline food
4. Same difference
5. Government organization
6. Sanitary landfill
7. Alone together
8. Business ethics
9. Sweet sorrow
10. Military intelligence
11. Plastic glasses
12. Terribly pleased
13. Definite Maybe
14. Pretty Ugly
15. Computer Security
16. Political science
17. Diet ice cream
18. Working vacation
19. Exact estimate
20. Microsoft Works