All beds have a special L-shaped top sheet, which reaches up to armpit
level on women but only to waist level on men.
No-one ever needs a kleenex after sex.
If you're a woman in a film and have just finished a steamy lovemaking
session, make sure to lay back and pull the sheets up to your neck, just
like in real life.
All women moan during sex, but none sweat.
Women (and men less often) either make love with their underclothes on
or have put them back on in the immediate aftermath.
Two total strangers, upon falling into bed together, will always reach
an incredibly intense, mutual, and SIMULTANEOUS orgasm on the first try.
When bringing home bags of groceries in a film, it's required that you
spill at least one bagful on the kitchen floor.
Bags of groceries are never heavy.
Whenever anyone in a movie goes shopping, they always
come back with stuff sticking out of the top of the shopping bag,
usually carrot tops and French bread.
Corollary: every shopping bag contains at least one baguette (loaf of
French bread).
If the tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there's
always someone around that can interpret the message.
When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as
they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is
represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no
matter how long the word is.
Example:
beep-beep-be-beep...
"Help..."
be-be-beep beep...
"Us..."
beep-be-be-beep beep...
"We're..."
beep beep-be-beep...
"Surrounded..."
be-beep beep beep...
"Send..."
be-be-be-beep beep...
"Reinforcements..."
beep be-beep beep...
"Hurry..."
etc.
A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before
someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the
message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.
Spaceships always fly perpendicular to the same axis. When two spacecraft
encounter each other, they're always aligned on a plane and never
approach at odd angles.
All spaceships, no matter how small, have internal artificial gravity and
no matter how badly your ship gets pummeled by the evil aliens in the
evil alien ship, no matter how many external panels get blown away, no
matter how many sparks or how much smoke pours out of your control
panels, the artificial gravity will always keep working.
There are tiny cameras mounted everywhere, on every panel, in your
spaceship. No matter what happens anywhere in the ship, you will always
be able to ask the computer to replay the scene for you later (even if
the computer went up in smoke) and unlike those blurry convenience store
cameras, your tiny ship cameras always capture everyone's actions at
eye-level with perfect lighting.
Warp or hyper-drive will always fail at critical moments.
Inertial dampers will always prevent passengers from being plastered
against the walls during acceleration into warp speed, yet any explosion
will send passengers reeling across the room.
In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it
must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of
weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the
future have lost this technology.
In any movie where "something" has happened and villagers
come to look at it, they always decide to "go for help". The most
expendable member of the group is left to "keep an eye on it", and
supplied with a weapon or signaling device "in case something
happens". Said member ALWAYS responds: "What could happen?"
This is a certain signal that he will die, gruesomely, within 2
minutes.
The walls of a teenager's bedroom or a twentyish adult's apartment are
always highly decorated, beyond anything sane, with every available inch
of space covered with something cool.
A movie teenager will always have a drainpipe situated next to his or
her window. This drainpipe will be specially reinforced to hold their
weight on escape.
Movie timing is always exact. If a phone trace will take two minutes,
for example, you can be sure that that means 120 seconds, not a fraction
more or less. Same for bombs, amount of time to get to a destination,
etc.
Corollary to the above: all characters in a movie have their watches
perfectly synchronized.
When a main character has to cross the street (in one of the slower
parts of the movie), he/she can always cross the street immediately. Of
course, he/she jogs across in order to miss the one car that drives by
after they cross.
If there is traffic, then that means that the movie is at a more
intense part (like a chase scene) in which case there are a lot of cars
that crash into each other. None of the important characters get hurt,
the accident is never heard on the news, and nobody sues anybody
important. Very few people even get out of their cars, and yet, no
airbags are to be seen.
Characters arrive at the airport and get *right on the plane*. They must
have the best timing of any people on Earth - I always have wait around
for a while before boarding. (Not to mention getting a boarding pass and
the "arrive 15 minutes before departure or you lose your seat" clause of
most airlines. Good thing movie airlines never overbook!)
Movie characters' suitcases are always weightless when they have to carry
them.
In emergencies, anyone can pick up flying a helicopter.
Movie characters never suffer from motion sickness.
Corollary: the foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English
accent
The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark
gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or
decommission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked
gimmick. If the muscleman is dispatched by a different method, he/she is not
dead. (For that matter, don't assume that anyone is dead unless their death
was spectacular. Beware sequels.)
No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up
at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or
near his hand after you've killed him and you turn away to comfort the
girl.
When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one,
and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him
coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish
the villain off.
The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don't seem to run
out of loyal henchmen.
Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the
camera has lingered on for an unnecessarily length of time; typically this
is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be
involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become
inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith
from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy
into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor's Equity
(Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's
demise, you utter your trademark phrase.
Whenever a villain has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes
to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the
earth, including times, dates, and addresses.
The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will
usually spend a few megalomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his
opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to
allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long
enough to allow a rescue attempt.
The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot,
will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution
that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his
escape.
When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one,
and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him
coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish
the villain off.
You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular
media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their
villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in
the late 40's and 50's, Asians in the 60's and 70's, Soviets in the 70's
and 80's and Middle Easterners in the 90's).
Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to
reload. (If the movie _does_ make them reload, they never have to
actually carry any spare ammo until that scene)
Guns never run out of ammunition unless escape would be otherwise
impossible.
The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy _always_ misses, and is
there just to announce that a fight will be taking place.
Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage; good-guy
hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy tanks, but
won't hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe. Bad-guy grenades
used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and _vice versa_.
When the villain runs out of bullets, he'll throw away his gun. When the
hero does so, he'll conveniently come across another.
Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won't jam or misfire
when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie)
A cigarette case/lighter in the shirt pocket will always block the bullet.
When the hero faces a ridiculously large number of shooters with high
powered weapons, they will all miss after several shots. Then, the hero
will pulls out this gun that looks like a toy and start picking off the
bad guys from half a mile away, usually hitting them in the forehead.
People always pump out a few (probably used) shotgun shells at each corner
when chasing someone.
When people aim a rifle with binocular-sight at someone on a very long
distance, they manage to keep them in the bull's-eye all the time even if
they move around.
When faced with dozens of armed opponents, the good guy will show up and
appear to be shot, perhaps dozens of times. He will fall down, and
presumably be dead, but will later miraculously turn out to have had the
foresight to wear a bulletproof vest, armor plating, or even a silver tray
to protect his torso (Batman). No one will ever shoot him in the head,
where he is unprotected. Afterwards, instead of learning from his
extremely good fortune, he throws his protection away, confident that the
same situation cannot recur in his movie.
When superheroes like Batman or Robocop use high technology to protect
themselves, the bad guys never take advantage of obvious weaknesses, such
as no face protection.
Characters shot with guns will fly backward, or upward and backward, through
the air - the laws of physics notwithstanding.
Characters use silencers on revolvers... and it works.
In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets"
will be referred to.
No movie character will ever use or refer to a safety on any firearm.
No movie character will ever use a .22-caliber weapon.
The cowboy who exchanges a dozen shots with the bad guys without hitting one
will nevertheless be able to hit and detonate a stick of dynamite from 150
feet away with a revolver on the first try.
Once a character has flipped up the long range site on his rifle, he will
always make his next shot.
Bullets removed from shooting victims and displayed to the camera will not
be misshapen in any way from the impact - and will sometimes still have the
casing attached.
Shots fired at the rear of a vehicle will cause the gas tank to explode.
Shots fired at windshields never deflect; they always penetrate and hit
the bad guy in the forehead. If the good guy is driving, he'll simply have
to duck a little to avoid them.
Shots fired at guys hiding around corners never whiz past; they always
strike the edge of the building near the character's face.
Shots fired in Westerns that do not hit a character always ricochet loudly.
If there is a trough of water present in a Western gunfight scene, at least
one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.
Western characters are never shot in the legs while hiding behind wagons.
No gun will ever jam or misfire after a quick-draw.
In a duel or in a gunfight between two characters standing in a street, at
least one character is always hit on the first exchange of gunfire.
No debris will ever fall from a ceiling after a gun is fired upward into it.
Shurrikens and thrown knives never miss, unless they pin a character's
clothing to a wall or tree.
Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.
Assassins will always wait 'till the very last moment to assemble their
complex sniper weapon (often a pistol the size of a rifle).
Even weapons experts will freeze when confronted with a weapon which is
not in firing condition-ie an un-cocked single action revolver or a
submachine gun with its breech closed (also un-cocked). The person
holding the gun must make several moves to fire the gun, and the
adversary could just reach out and take the weapon, but the dropee just
freezes even though often it is obvious that the cylinder is devoid of
any ammo.
Movie gunmen never lock and load their weapons when anticipating a
life-or-death confrontation. Oh they have their weapons drawn, but not
charged with a round in the chamber. They usually (always when carrying a
pump-action shotgun) wait until they confront their quarry to slam a
round into the chamber with a dramatic ca-chunking noise.
Bullets, even though they are only pieces of
lead-sometimes encased in copper, always make little explosions when they
strike any kind of inanimate object.
Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in caveman movies.
Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are
trying to kill them. (see also CHASES)
Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women
never thinks to clonk villain with handy object.
Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.
Women always fight other movie women by pulling hair, falling to ground together,
rolling over twice.
High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch
heels to work
Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what
sexist remarks he makes to them.
A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho
hero--until the first time he rescues her from certain death. She will
then become totally conventional and dependent. Once she does this, the
hero will become vulnerable and tell her about some tragic loss that will
explain his belligerent attitude.
Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely
intact.
Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will
shower frequently.
If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.
Women also scream or make some other noise at the precise moment the
villain is close enough to hear.
Women always stand and watch the cars that are about to run them over,
OR the bad-guys that are about to shoot them (even if there's cover close
by).
Strong (character/will) women are always macho, or bitchy.
Women always stuff their fist(s) in their mouths when terrified.
Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/
expert this or that.
Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to
help/force her/knock her out.
