Movie elevators are always ready at that floor. But if the hero/heroine
is being chased, elevator won't come.
If hero OR villain takes an elevator, villain OR hero can beat it by taking
stairs, even if the trip is 20 floors.
Most elevator shafts and wires are clean and dust/grease free, and
there's plenty of light so that the hero neither gets dirty nor needs a
flashlight or some other equipment to see (Speed).
When one character is pursuing another (good guy after bad or vice
versa) and they reach the elevator just before it closes, they never
stick their hand in the door so it will automatically open back up, nor
do they press the call button to get the door to open.
Incriminating evidence can be found either as photograph number four in a
stack, or in the next to bottom drawer.
Be sure to leave your important tapes, such as the one labelled
"Incriminating evidence against Senator Smith showing him taking
$24million in bribes and then fondling the drug lord's daughter" or your
computer floppy disks labelled "All the nuclear launch codes are on here"
where they can be easily found.
All characters keep detailed newsclippings of important events in their
lives, particularly those events that must be painful to recall, such as
the loss of the character's immediate family due to their own negligence.
NB: If the news report would have come out while the character was in
jail or on the run, all the more reason for the character to have kept it
intact.
At some point in a duel, the hero and villain will cross swords at face
level, allowing them to grip each other's weapon while making
nasty/sarcastic comments before they break the clinch and continue
fighting. (Why doesn't anyone just ram the sword guard into their
opponent's face, stun him, and then finish him off?)
If the hero and villain's swords cross at or below waist level, they
will break the clinch, fall back, and pause -- despite the fact that a
simple upthrust into the opponent's belly after the break would end the
duel right there and then.
If there is a candelabra, the villain will show how talented he is with
a sword by cutting the candles and watching them fall over; the hero will
do the same but the candles won't fall until _after_ the villain has made
a comment about the hero's lack of fencing ability, at which point the
hero will topple the cut candles, showing that he is more skilled than
the villain because _his_ candles didn't fall over from the force of the
cut.
During a duel, the hero will jump or climb onto a
table/bench/piano/platform that raises him above the villain. At that
point, the villain will swipe at the hero's legs, which the hero avoids
by jumping up in the air over the villain's blade. _Very_ rarely, the
positions are reversed.
Duels usually have one scene where the actors go out of frame and you
watch their shadows fighting.
If the villain wounds the hero in his sword arm, one of three things
will happen:
hero becomes ambidextrous and fights with sword in other hand;
hero finds something else to defend himself with (tapestry, chain,
Mossberg 12-gauge) that can be used with the other hand;
hero's girlfriend/sidekick comes up behind villain and impales him,
thus saving hero.
If hero is disarmed by villain, one of three things will happen:
villain will show a trace of honour and allow hero to get his sword;
hero will make mad dash/leap over or around villain to regain sword;
just when it looks like the end, hero's girlfriend/sidekick throws a
sword to him, which he manages to grab easily (for the _best_
send-up of this concept, check out ARMY OF DARKNESS where Ash jumps
in the air and his chainsaw magically clamps back onto his wrist --
it's beautifully shot and extremely funny!).
If there are stairs, the hero will be forced up them backwards by the
villain, at which point the hero will either leap to the ground or swing
from a rope/chandelier/tapestry to get away.
If there is a tapestry or chandelier, the hero will cut it loose and
drop it on the villain's henchmen _unless_ the movie is a comedy, in
which case the hero will drop it on his own men by accident.
If a character uses martial arts rather than a weapon, his opponents
will always face him one-to-one. Spare bad guys may dance around the
fight taunting our hero, but none will engage until his predecessor has
been disposed of. And if it's an oriental martial arts film, they will
fight in perfect one-two rhythm and form, hit-block-hit-block.
Two guys or a bunch of guys go at it, repeatedly bashing each other in the
face with massive blows, or hitting each other with chairs, sticks,
refrigerators, whatever -- and they go one doing this, sometimes for minutes
at a time.
People can be rendered inoperative by bumping them on the head. Beware,
though; after you have left the scene, this person will regain consciousness
and be more determined to attack you.
Clasping your hands together and hitting the bad guy's back will also
guarantee unconsciousness
All fights taking place on the edge of a canyon, tall building, or
other high place require at least one bad guy to get plugged by a bullet,
arrow, or other missile weapon, causing to fall, but keeping him alive
enough to hear his scream of terror echo as he plunges to his doom.
Corollary: whenever someone falls off of a cliff
or building, no matter how much damage they take beforehand, they scream,
even if they were shot through the lungs twenty or thirty times, or were
apparently unconscious.
In the West, the favored hand-to-hand combat technique is to throw
yourself prostrate on the other guy and hug him.
When a villain is trying to murder someone with a knife, they'll often
use just one hand. The victim meanwhile (usually a woman) is using both
hands to restrain the villain's arm and keep the knife from stabbing her.
But the murderer will NEVER simply use his other hand to take the knife
and easily stab the victim. (see also Knives).
Pastries are always in plain pink boxes. When we see a plain pink box,
we expected to know that the box contains donuts or cake or some related
item.
All movie mothers will prepare a breakfast, usually consisting of
scrambled eggs, bacon, etc. Dad and the kids will invariably arrive at
the table 30 seconds before Dad has to leave for the office and the kids
have to catch the school bus. Each will have time only for a sip of
coffee/juice and/or one bite of toast. There must be enough food left
over in these homes to feed an emerging nation!
In movieland, there's an abundance of corrupt helicopter pilots.
Villains have no problem renting a helicopter complete with pilot who
doesn't mind shooting total strangers, or being shot at.
When a helicopter is hit by a bullet or rocket, it'll explode
immediately if it contains a villain, but if the hero is on board, it
will loose power, smoke will come out of the doors, and it'll just reach
the ground in time for the hero to get clear then duck just at the moment
it explodes.
People standing outside a running helicopter can always talk in normal or
just slightly louder than normal voices.
A pursued hero, with the bad guys just yards behind him, can jump into
a shutdown helicopter, run through the twenty-five item startup
checklist, engage and spin up the rotors, take off and be out of pistol
range before the bad guys catch up.
Bullets shot at a helicopter bounce off the fibreglass and aluminum
"fuselage" components but make neat little holes through the plexiglass
bubble.
When a helicopter's engine dies, the main rotor immediately stops and
the helicopter drops straight to the ground. If a bad guy is flying, the
helicopter disappears in a ball of flame, but good-guy pilots just get
out, dust themselves off, and walk away.
When a turbine-powered Bell Jet Ranger helicopter is shot at, it's
engine coughs and sputters, chugs along for a little while as the hero
staggers through the air uncertainly, and then crashes using the good/bad
pilot algorithm noted above.
Every helicopter shutting down emits the chirp-chirp-chirp sound of the
rubber drive belts disengaging, in spite of the fact that only the famous
Bell 47G (the Mash chopper) actually makes this sound.
Piston helicopters always start up with screaming turbine engine sounds.
Rambo-style pilots can fly with one hand on the cyclic stick while the
other fires an automatic weapon out the door. The helicopter
automatically knows when to change altitude to fly over obstacles
without the pilot worrying about that pesky collective pitch control.
If the hero has a psychological/physical problem which has prevented him
from effectively dealing with problems, you can rest assured that this
problem will disappear at an opportune time.
The hero always misses the villain leaving the scene by seconds.
Stripping to the waist makes the hero invulnerable.
The hero will always be paired off with a female character. The sidekick
never will.
The hero's best friend/partner will usually be killed by the bad guys
three days before retirement.
The hero's new wife will be mowed down by 80 machine guns right after the
wedding or during the honeymoon.
Heroes can go without food or sleep, with no measurable drop in
physical or mental faculties, for at least 72 hours.
The hero will always have a small trickle of blood in the right corner of
his mouth after a fight. His lip will never be split in the middle, and
his upper lip will always be invulnerable. He will wipe the blood from
the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand, then look at it. If
his face displays any other injury, it will usually be a small abrasion
on his right cheekbone. He will wear a band-aid on this for one day,
after which it will be miraculously healed.
The hero will always refuse the assistance of friends or medical
personnel after a fight.
If the hero gets into a second fight, his most injured body part will
always be punched or kicked.
A hero will show no pain even during the most terrific beating, yet he
will wince if a women attempts to clean a facial wound.
When a hero is paired with a weak sidekick, that sidekick will
invariably save the hero's life at a crucial moment, or show remarkable
proficiency with weapons in a key scene.
If the hero is a white male and has an assistant/sidekick who is either
not white or not male the assistant/sidekick will die, preferably in an
act of heroic sacrifice.
If the movie hero has a sidekick and he mentions his
family in the first two minutes of the film, the sidekick will
surely be killed.
The movie hero is (almost) always divorced, but he still has some
contact with his ex-wife who tells him that she could not stay
married to him because she loves him too much.
People never answer the door until the doorbell or knocking has sounded
at least three times.
The hero lives in New York City working at some okay, but not
particularly high-paying job, and yet he or she has a roomy apartment
filled with nice stuff, generally with a good view, and sometimes a nice,
romantic rooftop to go to.
People never get out of the house when there is obvious danger
there (ghosts, murderers).
People who hear something weird outside will go OUT to look, even if they
know there's a homicidal maniac on the loose.
When someone's in bed and hears a sound outside, he'll get up and turn
the lights on before looking out of a window, even if this usually
guarantees that he'll never be able to see anything going on.
When an intruder is in the house, the occupant will sneak along a wall
with his back pressed to it tightly and his arms out a bit from his body,
palms flat against the wall.
When there's an intruder somewhere in the house, the thing that jumps at
the heroine in the dark turns out to be her cat, even if it comes from
places cats wouldn't be, like inside a cupboard! As soon as she relaxes,
the killer will show up and strangle her.
Any apartment in Paris will have a view of the Eiffel Tower.
When the hero is knocked out, he won't get a concussion or brain damage.
People hit on the head will not throw up.
When a hero gets a bloody nose, he'll stop bleeding almost immediately.
When a hero suffers through car chases and crashes, he never has to worry
about unfelt spinal injury from impact.
A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause total amnesia
Characters that get shot will never go into shock.
The hero will always get shot in the shoulder, yet will be able to use
his arm.
A facial scar is likely to make you go insane and seek revenge for the
rest of your life.
If you lose a hand, it causes the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.
A lost hand either comes crawling back, or a mad surgeon will replace it
with one transplanted from an executed strangler.
If a person gets shot they have plenty of time to tell all kinds of things
except the most important information (like the name of the murderer).
A person shot to death will immediately do just that - die. Their
bodies do not flop and jerk around for a few minutes as the muscles
contract involuntarily and sporadically as the brain dies a slow
electro-chemical death (as with real gun-shot deaths).
A kid can fend for himself even if his parents have gone to Paris,
leaving him with no food, electricity, heat, money, etc.
No child can ever be killed...even if they're electrocuted on a
high-voltage electric fence that could kill a dinosaur (Jurassic Park)
Eight to ten-year-old kids are the best computer hackers on earth and can
break into any system.
Girls who can't find a date to the prom in high school films are
usually the girls that, in most high schools, would have almost every
teenage boy asking them.
Even when depicted as foreigners (including aliens from outer space)
all actors speak and understand a common language (usually English)
unless the film's plot depends on a language barrier.
A malfunctioning or burnt lightbulb usually means that someone is hiding
in the room, ready to jump on our hero/heroine while he/she's busy hitting
the switch or tapping the bulb.
When someone lights a match in a dark old house (etc) and the single
match has as much power as a 1000 watt bulb! Alternatively, they light a
match, and then light an old oil lamp which has a vast amount of power.
When people switch a light off, it will still be possible to see
everything in the room, just in a slightly subdued/bluish colour...
Lightbulbs blow up when:
something psychic happens;
someone opens the power box, rips out the biggest cable, and touches it
to the rest of the stuff in there;
If the lightbulbs are in a row, they blow in timed sequence.
Any lock can be picked with a credit card or a paper clip. Any safe can
be opened in a few minutes with a stethoscope or some high-tech equipment
with lots of blinking lights.
More often than not, the best method to revive somebody after their
heart has stopped, assuming that there has already been a lengthy attempt
to revive them with CPR, those electric zapper things, etc., is screaming
at them something like:
"You never backed away from everything in your life, now fight!
Fight! FIIIIGHT!" or
"You can't do this to me! I love you, goddammit!"
When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always
drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then
have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly,
flashing clenched teeth.
Men on rafts, jungles, deserts or other extended duty don't have to
carry razors because their beards don't grow. Counterpoint: Unless they
drink, in which case 3-day stubble appears in 3 hrs.
Medieval peasants always have filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged
clothing - and perfect, gleaming white teeth. (cf. Braveheart, any Robin
Hood movie).
If you are a princess, you always have a favorite lady in waiting, and
you always send her to warn the hero of the evil king's intention just in
time.
Corollary: the lady in waiting is never quite as beautiful as the
princess; however, she still always catches the eye of the hero's sidekick.
In a swordfight, you can always parry behind your back, and you must
always find a set of stairs to fight on so that the loser can roll down
them and die at the bottom.
Horses never get winded, throw a shoe, etc., until the pursuing sheriff
is right behind the hero.
Corollary: the wagon that breaks an axle or gets stuck in the creek is
always the one carrying the king's entire treasury, which he totes around
with him every time he goes gallivanting through bandit-infested
countryside.
Minorities such as Native Americans or Asians will always have some sort
of mystical knowledge or innate fighting skill. For example, the Native
American always knows the course of events to come from some sign in
nature, and Asians are all born with Martial Arts skills they can use to
battle the bad guys.
Gangster's briefcases either contain weapons or banknotes. No one ever got
coins at a robbery.
Briefcases are designed to hold exactly three rows of banknotes. As
if it had power by itself money likes to be sorted in nice packs and rows,
even if it had been thrown into the briefcase ba a terrified casher at a bank.
When you use a movie taxi don't ever give any change. Drivers won't know
what to do with it. Just say "thank you" when you pay a bill, reach into your
pocket without looking, take out whatever note is in it - it will just fit.
(see also CABS)
Same is true in restaurants. Checks are always designed to be 15 percent
under the sum the male customer has in his hands first.
Motorcycle engines in movies can inexplicably change from 4-stroke Otto
cycle to 2-stroke cycle operation.
Motorcycles usually change from Harley Davidson choppers when engaged in
highway operations to Yamaha Dirt bikes when operated off-road (as in "Then
Came Bronson"). Police Harleys will morph into Triumph Bonnevilles when
operating in tight quarters (on the ship in "Magnum Force").
People speaking on the phone never introduce themselves,
and never ever say "good-bye" at the end of a conversation.
A ringing phone is usually picked up within 3 seconds.
Don't give the person on the other end of the phone time to say what they
have to.
You also never have to look up a phone number, for anyone.
When a phone line is broken or someone hangs up unexpectedly, communication
channels can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying
"Hello? Hello?".
Always knock over the phone if it wakes you up. If you are expecting a call,
make sure that you pull the covers up completely over your head so that
knocking it over becomes easier. All houses have phones next to the bed.
There's a dial tone to be heard on A's phone immediately after B has hung
up on his/her end.
The Movie Telephone Time Vortex.
How often have you seen something like this:
Phone rings. Hero/Heroine picks it up. "Hello. Yes. O.K. Right.
Thanks, Goodbye." (Total elapsed time on phone: 5 seconds.)
Hero/Heroine turns to other character: "That was John. He says that
the Marilyn left for the lawyer's office about an hour ago, and she
should have been there by now. He's called the lawyer's office but
Marilyn apparently never got there. He also called Bill's, thinking
she'd stop by there, but Bill hasn't seen her. John says he's going to
call Anne, as Marilyn said she and Ann were going to go shopping
sometime today. If she's not at Anne's, he's going to call the
police. He suggests that we drive over to Mario's and check with him
as to whether or not Marilyn told Wally about the statue. However, he
thinks this is unlikely as Marilyn doesn't trust Wally, she only trusts
us and Fransisco. John also suggests we try to get in touch with
Fransisco . . . ."
On the subject of phones, how about variations of the Bob Newhart-style
conversation where we only get to hear one side of the conversation, as in:
Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet? (PAUSE) And you
already called Bill's? (PAUSE) What did he say? (PAUSE) He hasn't
seen her either. (PAUSE) So, John's getting nervous? (PAUSE) He's
going to call the police...
If I'm not mistaken, the conversation must have gone like this:
"Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet."
"Marilyn hasn't shown up at the lawyer's office yet?"
"No, and I've already called Bill's."
"And you already called Bill's?"
"Yes."
"What did he say?"
"He hasn't seen her either."
"He hasn't seen her either."
"John's getting pretty nervous about this."
"So, John's getting nervous?"
"Yes, he's going to call the police."
"He's going to call the police..."
When phone-calls are traced you can see a map on the screen with a beam
closing in on the caller, and the caller always knows how long he can talk
before he has to hang up to not be traced down. He always manages to
say everything perfectly timed for 2 minutes.
Video-phones display pictures of the callers looking straight into the
camera. The camera must be in the middle of their screen, in other words.
If the hero tries to call someone he needs urgently he won't need more
than three rings to know that he/she is not there.
If someone wants to call the hero, he/she will let the phone ring forever before
hanging up, especially if the caller does not know that the hero has to
fight his way to the phone through a bunch of bad guys.
A person is placing a phone call to a company, such as "Sports
Illustrated." The phone at the other end is picked up, and the person
PLACING the call says, "Hello, Sports Illustrated?", as if they are
checking to make sure they called the right place. What this means is
that at a major company, someone is answering the phone with "hello" and
that's it! Not, "hello, Sports Illustrated, can I help you?" or anything
like that, just "Hello!"
Police captains/lieutenants are always angry at their star detective and
yell at him, threatening suspension if he doesn't drop the case.
Corollary: it is only _after_ the detective has been suspended that he
can properly crack the case.
Many police chiefs are in constant contact with their city's mayor who
will often "chew their ass" about a single criminal investigation out of
the thousands going on in a city. (note: See "I Married an Axe Murderer"
for a hilarious send-up of the "mean chief" cliche.)
The police will never question the hero, even if he kills lots of bad guys
The cops never show up during massive gun battles in city streets that
involve bystanders and exploding cars. After the fact, you might just a
siren in the distance.
More murders always happen during the investigation of the first one.
The last living suspect is the murderer.
Most homicide detectives are brooding, near-crazed loners, most likely
divorced or widowed, borderline alcoholics. Of course, there are more
respectable-looking detectives, but they are inept and not nearly as
tough as their mentally-troubled colleagues.
Many detectives are recruited directly from the police academy,
therefore accounting for youthful "seasoned detectives" (see "Speed,"
"Kuffs," "Stakeout").
In jail, there must be a brutal guard and an evil scheming warden.
Inside a prison there is always a boss among the convicts. Usually he's
black, blind and crippled surrounded by tough black musclemen, and he is
the one the white hero has to see to get something.
In a prison or a gym, when someone is about to be threatened, it usually
takes place when the subject is on his back pumping iron and the bar is
lowered onto his neck thus reshaping the windpipe and driving some point
home.
Time will stand still when when the hero is in the presence of a company
logo.
When a character picks up a bottle of whiskey or a pack of cigarettes,
the label will always be clearly visible.
If the producers find no company to invest into the picture, strange
things happen to the world: gas stations have no brand names visible,
stars use no-name airlines (they often crash!), all smokers use silver
cases for their cigarettes.
A character turns on the radio just in time to hear a special
announcement or some important news item. Then turns the radio off.
ex.: CLICK
"Three escaped lunatics have been spotted in .
blah blah blah." CLICK
The phone rings. Caller says, "You better check out what's on the news
on Channel 13". He turns on channel 13 and gets the report from the
beginning.
All televisions show cowboy-and-indian chase scenes a large proportion of
the time.
All VCRs in films are always cued up exactly to the portion of tape you
want to show someone.
You will always be able to backwind the tape *precisely* to the beginning
of the segment you want to see again.
Whenever anyone scans through a videotape or audio tape on home
equipment you can hear the audio portion of the tape being fast forwarded
or rewound.
Freeze frame is flawless.
Whenever someone reviews surveiliance video taken from a preceding
scene, the camera angle is never high above the actors, it's right up
close, and looks _a lot_ like the angle the film camera used when
shooting the picture. Additionally, the audio is always crisp and clear,
there's no background noise, because all security cameras come equipped
with boom mikes.
When people are tied up in the movies, which is usually loosely and
incompetently, they can't escape without finding some convenient device
to burn or cut through the ropes.
Corollary 1: There is always a convenient device at hand.
Corollary 2: If the method involves burning the ropes, the person's hands
will be tied at least a foot apart.
