Piston-engine airplanes in the movies are unusually subject to engine
failure. This failure mode is unique to filmdom - engine coughs, keeps
running. Hero doesn't notice. Then it stutters, catches again. Hero
notices, taps gas gauge, turns lever. Then it stutters exactly three
times and stops immediately, including propeller. No further efforts
are ever made to restart.
ALCOHOL
Only men are alcoholics. Any hopeless alcoholic can quit drinking when
faced with an important challenge. The instant the alcoholic stops
drinking, all his faculties return and he faces no annoying withdrawals.
ALIENS
If there is more than one or two of an alien race, they are always
roughly the same size as humans.
Aliens usually speak English and have same colloquialisms.
All members of alien species wear the same outfits, including clothing,
hairstyles, and jewellery. This makes them readily identifiable. Aliens
who do not dress like aliens are hiding something.
This may, in fact, be a consequence of the fact that aliens all have
single, monolithic cultures: one language, one religion, one outfit, per
planet.
ANIMALS
Bad guys will always get killed by a snake, while the hero simply
reaches out and picks it up with his bare hands. (In addition, he will
either break the reptile's neck (?) or bite it's head off)
Deadly reptiles will always attack a woman first, even if she's in the
presence of thirty men.
Dogs always know who's bad, and bark at them.
ANSWERING MACHINES
If the hero listens to his answering machine and one important message
is unexpected then he usually has two very short messages on the tape
before, one spoken by a man, one by a women. "Here'a John! I see you
tomorrow at eight.".... beep ... "This is Sallieeeeee! I'll call again
later." ... beep .... and then finally "Ahhhh! The killer is .....". If
however the message is expected be sure that it will be the first one on the tape.
BARS/DRINKING
Every time some guy walks into a bar, usually the hero, he gets into a
fight. Usually right under a BUDWEISER sign (see "product placement").
Likelihood of fight increases if country music is playing in the background.
Movie heroes in a bar will either order strong alcoholic drinks and
swallow them down like iced tea or will ask for milk. The latter will
always provoke sarcastic remarks and a fight will ensue.
When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always
drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then
have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly,
flashing clenched teeth.
A cup of black coffee/splash of cold water in face is enough to render
the most inebriated person stone cold sober in a split second (see
several thousand westerns, and "Peter's Friends.")
BINOCULARS & GLASSES
Whenever someone looks through the binoculars, you see two joined
circles instead of one.
Glasses never collect moisture when you come in from the cold outside.
Computer geeks and "intelligent" persons use them, action heros never
have glasses.
A villain will always commit murder right in front of the window when
someone with binoculars is watching.
BIOLOGY AND GENETICS
People are often exact duplicates of remote ancestors, or of their
parent at the same age.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Radiation causes mutation not to your future children, but to you,
there and then. Mutation is never immediately fatal, but first either
makes you into a formless blob, or a functional creature with animal-like
features.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any person or creature from
anywhere in the universe.
Newborn babies can babble, crawl, and hold their heads steady.
BODILY FUNCTIONS
People never cough, sneeze, blow their noses, or show any other
symptoms of being in less than perfect health.
Only exception to the above is when they're dying. A cough is a
symptom of terminal illness.
Menstruation is an unknown phenomenon in movies. Female movie
characters are all immune from it.
You can eat as much as you want in a film and you'll never EVER have to
go to the bathroom.
Vomit is portrayed by distant toilet flush. Nobody ever throws-up on
the carpet.
BOMBS
Evil geniuses who devise bombs to destroy things/people always have
them detonate after at least an hour, giving the hero ample time to
defuse it.
Bombs always have big, blinking, beeping timer displays. Evil geniuses
who devise bombs to destroy things/people are always thoughtful enough to
include a visible display (usually LED) of how much time remains before
the bomb detonates, giving the hero accurate feedback on exactly how much
time remains.
When you cut the wire to the detonator, the timer will stop. You will
not be able to do this, however, until only one second remains.
All wires have different colors, so the hero can easily differentiate
them when he has to cut the right one.
Bombs detonated with microwave ovens always explode 2 seconds after the
timer reaches 00:00 and the microwave oven beeps (ex. "Under Siege").
Explosions always happen in slow motion. When an explosion occurs, make
certain you are running away from the point of detonation so the blast
can send you flying, in slow motion, toward the camera.
A building that in real life would require several dozen carefully placed
explosive charges for demolition, can in a movie be destroyed by a single
bomb in a car trunk (see "Lethal Weapon III"). This bomb will cause no
damage to any other building on the block.
Cabs
Movie passengers either don't pay cabs at all, or have the exact change.
Same is true in restaurants. Checks are always designed to be 15 percent
under the bills the male costumer has in his hands first.
Movie people can get cabs instantly, unless they are in danger,
whereupon no cab can be found.
Movie characters driving in the city will get to park wherever they like
when they get to their destination.
When you are alone in the back seat of the car, make sure you sit in the
middle.
Sudden acceleration of a car (be it forwards, backwards, stopping,
skidding, sliding, or whatever) causes a loud skid, even on dirt or wet
roads. Be prepared. Each wheel is also fitted with a smoke device to
let you know when this happens. Hollywood cars are also special: when
you take off quickly, you always leave a skid mark for each drive wheel,
regardless of whether you have a limited slip differential or not.
Pedestrians in Hollywood have the world's best reactions, so don't worry
if you have to drive down a sidewalk. Mr Pappodopolus is quite used to
having his fruit cart smashed, and despite his gesticulations and curses,
he always manages to get out of the way in time.
There are always people carrying around large sheets of glass on the
street during a car chase.
The person behind the wheel is talking to and looking at their passenger
for the entire journey without actually looking at the _road_, changing
gear, signalling etc. (ex. "When Harry Met Sally").
Cars chasing each other in the middle of a city will not suffer enough
damage to stop the chase.
People being chased by a car will keep running down the middle
of the road instead of ducking in somewhere where a car cannot go.
A car will always explode when shot at, unless the hero is driving it.
When you drive a car, you can always recognize all the persons you know that
pass you in the opposite direction.
If someone has "fixed" the foot-brakes in the car, the driver never use
the hand-brake and the gears to slow down, at least not until the last
moment.
Cars often end up on cliff-edges with 2 wheels in the open air. The
good guys are saved just before the car falls over, the bad guys join
the car in the free fall, often caused by a bird setting down on the
part of the car hanging over the edge.
When a car falls off a cliff after a car chase, it usually explodes
before reaching the ground.
When speeding cars hit a parked car, they fly up into the air while the
parked car doesn't even wiggle
After a car crash, no movie character ever sits and shakes for five
minutes, or becomes incoherent with shock.
All cars seem to run on kerosene rather than gasoline (hence the
copious black smoke when they burn).
Watch steering wheels in movie cars, especially in "through the
windshield looking at the driver" shots. 9 times out of 10, the spokes of
the wheel, which one would think should be horizontal, or close to it,
are vertical, i.e., one can see one of the wheel spokes vertical, above
the dash, in front of the driver's face, even when he's driving straight.
Whenever you see someone driving, even on straight and smooth roads, they
are sawing at the wheel hard enough to be running an obstacle course.
The car doesn't swerve at all, of course. The amount of excess wheel-twisting
is independent of speed.
Not only do movie cars always park right in front, but they are never locked.
Even convertibles with their tops down, in NYC, are still there hours later.
Movie cars have all excellent brakes and can come to a full stop from 80 MPH
(with loud screeches, even on dirt roads) in 20 ft.
There's never an annoying wind disturbing the coiffures of convertible
passengers.
There are no stop signs in movie land. Wherever you have to drive, no
matter how close or far away it is, you never have to stop before you get
there.
Film cars do not have inside rear-view mirrors. Most of them do, however,
have an appx 1" gray spot on the inside of the windshield where the mirror
would normally mount.
Film cars never start the first time when you're running away from
the bad guy.
If there is a large bump in a downhill road, speeding cars will always
fly over them and hit the ground in shower of sparks. An interior view
will then show the reaction of the passengers at the moment of impact.
They will not be injured, even if they are not wearing safety belts. No
tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur as a result
of the impact. The car will then execute a sharp left turn at the bottom
of the hill. Losing a hubcap at this point will be optional.
Any time you see a really nice, snazzy foreign car or a great old car like
a 65 mustang, you know it's going to be smashed into a million pieces.
All too many times a Hollywood car chase will be interrupted by the
emergence of a semi from a driveway, alley, or street, resulting in the
escape of the hunted, or the death of an expendable character.
Police cars involved in chase scenes usually tend to suffer more than
any other vehicles- they have head on collisions, smash parked cars, fall
into water, and of course, experience the ever popular flying-roll,
causing the car to land upside down and crush the lights and siren.
Usually, we never get to see the unlucky police force member before or
after the inevitable accident.
A car that crashes will always explode in a ball of flames, but not
until the hero can pull the important passengers to safety, and yell,
"Watch out! She's gonna blow!"
Acid applied by the villain to the hero's brake lines never has any
effect unless the car is heading down a steep, winding road. Cars at
traffic lights have invulnerable brake lines.
No one ever runs out of gas (even in long car chases). Corollary: every
stolen car has a full gas tank and gets great gas mileage.
Vintage cars are always 100% immaculate and freshly polished. They
never have any scratches, dents or repairs.
No one fumbles for car keys right before a car chase. they always jump
right in and start the car up because they've left the keys in the
ignition. Not a great idea in any major city.
Woman falls to the ground whilst being chased by a bad guy, even
when running over level, unobstructed terrain. Note that when a man and
woman are being chased, usually the woman falls, then the man pauses and
helps her up.
Corollaries to the above:
Man will then continue to run with woman, holding her by the hand or
preferably upper arm, even though this takes them both below the
speed either one could make on their own.
All movie women must be pulled along by their hands, even if the
male puller is short & fat and the woman is a track star.
All movie women try to run in heels, never stopping to kick them off.
Women not only have to be pulled along, they do not have enough sense
to run and keep running unless a man touches her elbow, holds her hand
or puts his arm around her shoulders.
Chasees will always stop to throw obstacles (trash cans, lumber,
chairs) in their pursuers' way. No matter that they take three times as
long to dump the obstacles as it takes the chasers to simply jump over
them.
GOOD Chess players are always portrayed as upper class. (Go to any
tournament and see how many rich guys there are there. NONE! They're too
busy chasing women and driving fast cars to play chess.)
Chess players in movies are always all around brilliant and charming
people. (With very few exceptions, REAL chess players are introverted and
so involved with chess they have little time to WASTE pursuing anything
as trivial as LOVE, A PROFESSION, or SOCIAL GRACES. Exception:
Computers! Most Chess players are, or will become, Computer nerds).
Great Chess players are always honored to play on some rich guy's fancy
Philipino Art Set. (In reality, better players are almost always adamant
about playing on a plain, unadorned wood or plastic "Staunton" set. No
red or blue pieces, no ceramic or metal, no elephants for rooks.)
The board is usually set up wrong, with the black square at the players
lower right, or with one or both of the King/Queen set up backwards.
(WHITE SQUARE GOES ON THE PLAYERS RIGHT. QUEENS on their own color: white
QUEEN on white, black QUEEN on black.)
Supposedly brilliant players usually miss one move checkmates in
critical games. This is akin to a professional race car driver backing
his station wagon into the garage door.
On the other hand, good players are often portrayed as seeing 15 or 20
moves ahead in detail from a middle game, when there are still many
pieces on the board. (One could more easily predict the next president
and all 535 congressmen correctly before the election. In the End Game,
when the number of pieces is limited, looking ahead often becomes a
question of counting moves, who can get to the critical square first, or
of very limited numbers of moves, and is more feasible.)
Beginners usually beat experienced players, as a mechanism for showing
the neophyte's native brilliance. (This is about as common as a tall,
athletic man who's never seen a basketball beating an NBA player in
one-on-one. It could happen, if the pro had a really bad day, but who
would you bet on?)
Players who are really behind (have lost more pieces) come up with
brilliant ways to win anyway. (If they're so good, how did they get
behind in the first place?)
Male characters generally are cold-natured. They need to wear jeans and
leather jackets when the female characters are comfortable in cutoffs and a
halter top.
Heroes are the exception to the above. He often is more comfortable in
extreme cold after losing his coat or having the shirt ripped from his
back. When this is not true (Cliffhanger), swimming in ice water helps.
Whenever anyone knocks out anyone else and takes their clothes, it's always
a flawless fit.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie character never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical
interfaces.
Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain
English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply
typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress")
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen
changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that
it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also
emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a
puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you
backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving
the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before
intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man"
and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to
transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control
panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it
also disappears from the screen (e.g Clear and Present Danger).
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any
system you put it into. All application software is usable by all
computer platforms.
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens).
However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons
aren't labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time
video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").
Two people will often converse while one stares out the window,
with their back to the other. When an emotional point is
made, the first person will turn around.
In situations like the Vietnam war, and violent inner city
neighborhoods, the person with the most plans, prospects, and hopes will
die.
A dying person's last words will always be coherent and significant.
A good person will always die in the presence of friends.
If a person good person dies with his eyes open, a friend will close
them, and they will remain closed. If a villain dies with his eyes open,
no one will close them, and the camera will linger on his face.
